There was a draft I’d written months ago around mental health. I toyed with the idea of posting it, I thought better of it, I reviewed it, then I deleted it. Mental health is one of those difficult topics I find undefinable. It’s subjective, complicated, constricted and confusing and all I know is that somedays, it just gets to you.
But, I have been thinking about ‘headspace‘ and the barriers we place in our way.
My biggest barrier is my frustration. Frustration at seeing a simple process being made overly complicated because a) people aren’t trusted to do what they’ve always done well and b) others wanting input because they want the control (and when they do it is often pointless).
- Frustration at people not giving others a fair chance to have their say and being blind-sided by a biased opinion.
- Frustration at feeling powerless to help others.
- Frustration at how short-sighted we can be.
- Frustration at just about everything really.
But then I usually realise at how little I can change/influence these things and I “move on” (when in reality, the frustrations come around again). I often question if it is worth my using energy and time to try and sort all things I consider to be ‘problems’? I dunno. (And that leads to another frustration…). It just gives me a headache and an excuse not to leave the bed…
For one little night, I felt like I could be made new again
And you stayed here with me while I lost nearly everything
But “what do you really love?” I heard you say
My mind is in an awful state at the moment. It’s very irrational, confused, scared and… frustrated but at what exactly? I am very fortunate and grateful for my circumstances. I have food, shelter, warmth, love and companionship. I have had an education and opportunities that have allowed me to experience many different cultures and extraordinary views… but right now, I just feel… defeated. I just want to lie down and for this feeling to be all over, but I know that’s not possible. That another day has to happen and you have to move forward with it.
My feelings and thinking around this are only temporary. I know they will be. They have been on and off for several years and they eventually go. My heart goes out to those that live it daily; the ones that suffer far worse than one can comprehend. Feeling low for a few days, that’s normal, that’s the mind and body adjusting, but to live with it daily? Unimaginable.
And with this pen, I thee wed
From my heart to your distress
Every word handwritten
My little ramblings today have given me a reflective focus point and have calmed my mind down somewhat. I’m currently still in bed and looking at a beautiful blue sky from the window, I think getting outside will help somewhat, but not today.
I remember from previous counselling and mindfulness training of the need to focus. Focus on something real, touchable, something that gives joy and, using the senses, to really focus on all aspects of it. Declutter, relax, reset. Focus. focus. focus.
I am glad I have written these ramblings. I haven’t expressed all that is going on. It’s hard to vocalise, hard to describe, frustrating. You wouldn’t want to hear it all, you have your own problems to contend with but for me, it’ll soon pass. Tomorrow is another day and it’s ok to ‘step away‘ from life to reset for a while.
I just think I need to be by the sea.
I feel like a fool for writing all this.
I just feel like dancing.
I want a life on fire, going mad with desire
I don’t wanna survive, I want a wonderful life